Rants and Writings

There's things that really piss me off. The sounds people make when they chew, slow drivers, rain. But nothing get's me more than those who don't offer help when you need it most. When you actually reach out to someone believing you can trust them, only to have them turn their back to you. That phrase they say keeps being told to you repeatedly that it begins to blur and numb you. You don't want to say anything because you fear of hurting them. Of losing a friend when you have so few.

"You do you"

it plays throughout my day. Haunting me. It always feels like a let down and I'm unsure of how to feel about this. They always give a weak laugh after they say it, like they know. Sometimes I say it back rudely. I want to show them that what they say isn't helpful. It's irritating. As someone who has trouble with making decisions and has anxiety attacks often, you not being there when I reach out shows me that no one cares. No one wants to hear your shit. They want to talk about their self and that's all. It's sickening. But I need friends.

This has become a venting ground I guess. Don't think anything wrong of me, it's taking courage to write this, let alone post this. It's just something I need to get off my chest. She's a good person.

It just sucks because I go out of my way to help her. I drive her to places.

It just sucks when she laughs when i'm being serious. Do you not see that i'm getting upset?

It just sucks that I feel she is using me. We went to see a show together. She didn't pay. She hasn't payed for gas but got me cheap dinner. Does that count?

It just sucks when she ignores things I say. Do I speak to soft? But when I don't I get told i'm too loud. But I have to hear everything you say. Is that fair?

It just sucks that I can't be open about it to her face. Instead I reserve myself into a little bubble.

But I love that I keep trying.

I love that I don't give up on my dreams. That I don't hold grudges.

I love that I can get past things. It may take time to heal but it's worth it. I've been hurt by so many "friends" I don't know who to trust anymore.

I love that I care. I care too much but I care. Not a lot can say that.

I love my smile. I don't want it to ever go away. My laugh is always there. I laugh at the smallest jokes and find it beautiful.

People stop to ask my sometimes "Why are you laughing?" In which a laugh always escapes my lips first before I try to say "I don't know."

I remember a lady stopped me on campus. She looked young but was in her 30's I believe. She was looking for an event and stopped me to chat. She seemed really interested in what I had to say about school, life. It was something I cherished, when others would have walked away. She talked to me for a while, wanting to know about me. I was confused. I'm not used to that. She then stopped after a half hour or so and asked me if she could let me in on something. She likes to get to know people and she asked if I would like an assessment of sorts on what she read from me. She said she can tell I really care for people. That I go out of my way for others. That God is watching over me. There was something about my future that I can't fully remember but I do know I was holding back tears. I don't really believe in God as much as I used to but I still consider myself religious in sorts. It was nice to hear this from a stranger who invited me to tell my story in a way. I remember saying that I'm glad she saw that in me, as it was something I was striving to accomplish but never saw in myself. Before she left she asked if I had any pain. I said my shoulder. She then proceeded to pray the pain away. Of course, she asked first. I had been talking to here for about an hour now. I was actually waiting for the friend I was talking about previously. The pain was gone and so was she.

I'm not really intimate though. I'm not the romantic sort. Hell, I hate making out. Sometimes even kissing makes me sick. I don't know what to identify as though.

I call myself Asexual. Am I really?

I just say I don't know, now. It's easier. But when it comes to some people, I willingly open up and say that I am. Normally, they know what it means beforehand and I don't have to tell them what it means and why I feel like it. It's embarrassing at the same time. Everyone around me talks about sex, my roommate goes out of her way to meet people from Tinder or OK Cupid and has sex with them. One night stands. I tried this once... I say once because I want to forget the first time I hooked up with someone after the break-up. It was strange. I don't know what to say really. But I do remember feel awkward. Not being in the mood. Feeling like a piece of wood laying there. Is it weird?

I find safety in video games.

I escape reality to fight monsters, make choices, and love characters who return it. I rather play them all day if I could. As someone who is indecisive in real life, It's a wonder how I can make choices so easily. But sometimes I have to know the outcomes of the choices before choosing. That's what sucks about real life. There is no walkthrough.

When I get really sad I like to play my games. I've been attached to the Dragon Age series lately. Mainly because I get to create my own character and live another life. I got 2 friends into it. One shelled out over $500 for a PS4 and 2 games. She wanted to "Get into games". Cool. I kept telling her to play the first 2 instead of getting the recent game but her reasoning is "She can look it up. She didn't want to spend the money on 2 more games. She liked the art." I still hound her on it. I wish I stopped her from buying the PS4. I wish I tried harder. She annoys me.

The other was the friend I spoke of in the beginning. She's actually playing the first of the series, thankfully. However, she too made the comment of "I love the art". She wanted to buy an artbook. Me and another friend of hers said not to right now because It would contain spoilers.

She still bought it.